Jesus picked up a cross weighed down by my sin, not His. The cross that I must bear, however, is one of my own making.
At times I can almost feel the rough-hewn lumber of my filthy deeds weighing me down, as I look upon the unsightly stain of my earthly flesh and its sin-filled desires hanging there. It is surely going to be the death of me... Yes, it will be the death of me; it is simply a question of when and how, not if.
Will my death be in this life, through my daily choice to pick up my cross and crucify my flesh on it? Or, will it be my death beyond this life, stretching on slowly past every agonizing moment throughout all eternity?
But understand this is true - I must bear the cross I have made. Like some horrifying Frankenstein’s monster, carrying the corpse-laden cross of misplaced affections, broken promises, and false idols.
Daily I must reach out for strength that I do not possess, or be slowly crushed under the weight of it all. Dragging my feet under this heavy burden, I sometimes look away from the Blessed Source of my strength, and that is when I fall. It is then that I must again make a choice – do I stand and continue? Indeed I must, but can only do so when I return to my First Love who “having been perfected, He became the author of eternal salvation to all who obey Him” (Hebrews 5:9)
This Authorship came at great cost – for it was my sin that weighed upon His shoulders. Whether to be "one who obeys" or not is a stark choice that is mine alone to make, yet it is based solely on the work of Another.
I can carry my cross as a Victor - hoisting the trophy of the cross, won not by anything I have done, but won for me through my Savior's sacrifice - with this earthly flesh impaled upon it, and my new life cleansed by His precious Blood.
Or rather, I can drag my cross through a merciless eternity - my everlasting soul hanging there, festering under the weight of my unforgiven sin and shame forever.
It is a simple, frightening, crucial, and literal life and death choice I have to make - today, tomorrow, and every day – do I pick up my cross and follow Him into unspeakable joy - both now and in the future for all time? Or do I leave my cross in this life, to wallow in the sinful and hollow pleasures that will never satisfy, just to wind up nailed to it later amidst the agonizing terror of an eternity without God's presence?
I think the most shocking thing of all is that the choice can sometimes be so hard… For I am too often as Peter was, before Christ was risen: "The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41)